de espiritu libre

freefall

“We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 

[1 Thessalonians 5:14-18]

There is an overwhelming air of uncertainty over almost every aspect of my life right now. Other than what I want for lunch today, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself in the next days or weeks, much less months or years. To be honest, in the midst of recent confusion and hurt I have caught myself crying “I deserve better than this!” on numerous occasions.

But do I? 

Right now I am one of the fainthearted, but there have been dozens of friends providing support and encouragement regardless of the distance between us.

I feel uncharacteristically weak, and yet I wake up every morning with a renewed strength that is by no means my own.

Constantly I question God and His timing, and still He remains patient with me despite my selfishness or doubt.

Recently my relentless prayer has been one of sloppy distress, begging God to show me specifically each step I’m supposed to take. And when I wasn’t handed a detailed instruction manual for my specific situation, I questioned God’s control and responded in anger whenever people told me to “just read the Bible and pray about it, He’ll show you.” He wasn’t, and it felt like He never would… Until I found this verse. 

Sometimes God doesn’t show us the next step.

Instead He directs us to take a blind leap of faith,
stabilized by the trust that He remains in control
even when we’re in freefall
with no end in sight.

And so today, I will live in confidence
that His love will be my guide
and that is enough.

therapy

I never thought I’d be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.

I never thought I’d need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much yet I had need for nothing but You, but You.

This is just therapy. Just call it what it is with a death grip on this life always transitioning. This is just therapy because you won’t take my calls and that makes God the only one who’s left here listening to me.

Letting it all sink in, it’s good to feel a sting now and again. I hope it’s one less woeful thing there is to fight through.

Letting it all begin, fresh paper and a nice expensive pen. The past cannot subtract a thing from what I might do for you, unless that’s what I let it do.

Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused ‘cause I spend my solitude with You.

Gather all the questions of the things I just can’t get straight and I answer them the way I guess you do.

sometimes music is the greatest form of therapy. it expresses all the thoughts and emotions scrambling within our hearts and heads when we’re too weak or confused to do it ourselves.

two-hundred seconds of rhythms and rhymes to reassure that i’m not alone.

baptism

from this moment forward,
i am drenching every second of life
in love.

self-portrait

We are not defined by the tragedies or blessings in our lives, but by the manner in which we react. I am not my failures and I am not my victories. I am a weak, imperfect girl who has all the faith in the world. And today, that’s more than enough.

cynical

there’s a fine line between sardonic wit and blatant pessimism, and it seems i’ve finally crossed it.

this is not a good thing at all.